Leapin' Leprechauns!

Tips on how to Twinkle. Twankle. Truckle. Tempt

The “Leprechaun Code of Conduct,” as told — between long naps — by an actual professional leprechaun:

• If it moves, kiss it.

• If it stinks, eat it.

• Admit that “last call!” is merely a suggestion.

• Be playful.

• If that fails, still be playful.

• Underwear? Optional.

• Deodorant? Optional.

• Let your hair go.

• Sharpen your tongue.

• Snore.

• Smirk a lot.

• Tempt fate.

• Embrace your inner brat.

• Waste every opportunity.

• Pry into everyone’s business.

• Dilly-dally.

• Dupe.

• Hoodwink.

• Bamboozle.

• Take the low road.

• Max-out Mom’s Visa.

• Kill that keg.

• Boo Santa Claus.

• Hiss at heroes.

• Date an heiress.

• Marry a Munchkin.

• Loiter.

• Dawdle.

• Procrastinate.

• Hone your vices.

• Mumble your prayers.

• Follow every sneaky impulse.

• Lose your way.

• Climb rainbows, flaunting all the usual safety protocols.

• Kid a kid.

• Tease a teacher.

• Deny the obvious

• Break your promises.

• Snag that last slice of pizza.

• Forget to brush.

• Forget to flush.

• Twist the facts to your own advantage.

• Cheat. Bet. Swindle. Covet.

• Tip sparingly, if at all.

• Always leave your wet towel on the bedroom floor.

• Complain vociferously.

• Never listen to reason, especially your dopey dad.

• Carry carrots (in case you meet a unicorn).

• Harmonize.

• Twinkle.

• Twankle.

• Truckle.

• Tempt.

• Rush through dinner.

• Steal a kiss.

• Take all the credit.

• Mock every good idea.

• Never make your bed…ever.

• Dance to church bells.

• Flirt with disaster.

• Laugh in the face of actual work.

• Wiggle out of everything.

• Spit a lot.

• Let your laundry pile up.

• Ignore your obligations.

• Win at all costs.

• Throw rocks at the A students.

• Go to a nice steakhouse. Order the fish.

• Favorite color: ginger.

• Favorite crush: Emma Stone.

• Favorite sport: belly rubs.

• Investment plan: a lottery ticket.

• Life savings: none.

• Health plan: none

• Regrets: none.

• Favorite workout: a tall glass of beer.

• Favorite song: “You’re So Lame.”

• Hug a mother.

• Pet a Pekingese.

• Noogie a nun.

• Talk back.

• Slouch.

• Drool.

• Entice.

• Titillate.

• Razz.

• Rib.

• Sing.

• Rejoice.

• Make every day St. Paddy’s Day.

Wow. Whew. Wowza. I am humbled and amazed at your outpouring of support as I hold my hat out. It’s more than I ever dreamed. And it’ll definitely ensure a few more years of these often silly, sometimes serious missives. Thank you.

Please go to ChrisErskine.LA for signup info. Questions? Please email me at letters@ChrisErskineLA.com

COMING SOON

Next week: I still drink from garden hoses. I still kiss under porch lights. I still marvel at vapor trails.

Easter beckons: Jellybeans and jasmine and what Updike called “the blessed slenderness” of spring.

More Random Thoughts are ahead too: Baseball is a call to prayer.

Quote of the day: “Singing is like a celebration of oxygen.” —Bjork

Hiking note: We had a little glitch (imagine that!) with the signups to the March 21 Happy Hour Hike. We’ve resolved the issue. If you RSVP’d after 4pm Sunday, please RSVP again to letters@ChrisErskineLA.com. The hike begins in Old Pasadena at 3 pm and moves to El Portal at 4. About a dozen spots remain. If you RSVP and don’t hear back from me, that means you’re on the waiting list. Thanks for your interest. If you miss this one, we’ll have more soon. Note that, from here out, Founding Members get first dibs on hiking spots. But we’ll get as many thirsty hikers in as we can.

Finally, really enjoying the personal notes you’re sending with your subscriptions. Not sure I can respond to all of them. But I do read all of them and appreciate them very much. I’m glad we’re able to keep this thing going.