Ready for Takeoff…

Here’s a playdate tip for you dads and granddads, babysitters and grandmas, aspiring pilots and those who love to travel but are a little short of funds.

Load your young kids aboard “The Flying Couch.”  

FYI, right now is a very good time to fly a couch; rates are low and seats are plentiful.

On The Flying Couch, the first thing you do is buckle your seatbelts. Then you ask your passengers to put up their imaginary drink trays and stow their invisible laptops and other belongings.

Then you start the pretend engine. Then you re-start the pretend engine, because this low-budget airline hasn’t serviced this plane in a while — a bit of foreshadowing. The FAA has yet to catch up to this airline, which is what makes it a thrilling choice.

Down the runway you go. It’s one of those smaller local airports, so the runway is a little choppy. So you bounce on the couch cushions, the kids bouncing with you.

You spot a stray cow at the end of the runway, so you have to take off rather abruptly. Fortunately,  you’re an experienced pilot. 

Pull back the imaginary wheel, and up you go.

“Look, we’re in the clouds!” you tell your passengers. “Can you smell that McDonald’s on Pico? It’s right below us. Ummmmm, fries.”

You putter along for a while, ducking under the clouds to look for cruise ships and pirates.

“Where do you guys want to go today?” the pilot asks.

“India,” says the 4-year-old.

“This airline don’t go to India,” you say.

“Oh…”

“OK, I just talked to the tower. We’re cleared for India, here we go!”

The plane takes a steep banked turn, as you lean into your kid or grandkid till he or she giggles.

The most-important part of this schtick:: Exaggerate every airborne maneuver and loop-de-loop till they giggle. FYI, this works in your adult relationships as well. 

“Smell the salty sea?” you ask your passengers. “Oh look, whales.”

“Where?”

“Right there.”

You drop altitude to get a little closer to the whales. Sound effects are encouraged. Think of those kamikaze movies you watched as a kid.

“See? Whales.”

Of course, the landings are the best part of any flight. In this case, we’re stopping in the Canary Islands to refuel.

“Ever been to the Canary Islands?” you ask.

“Nope?”

“Full of canaries,” you explain.

You drop the landing gear as you smoothly glide toward the runway. All is well on this perfect day. Below, the Canary Islands begin to fill the windshield.

“Hold on!” the pilot tells his passengers.

This is where the fun really starts, because this is not a smooth landing — not a smooth landing at all.  

As you touch down, you bounce on the couch, kick your legs high in the air, flip over backwards, bounce even more, roll all around, yell “WHERE’S MY BRAKES? WHERE’S MY BRAKES?” Then you appear to skid out of control before regaining full command of the aircraft and coming to a safe and satisfying halt.

“That,” I always proclaim, “was my best landing ever. Puddles, you OK?”

Puddles is my 1-year-old grandson. He’s upside-down at this point, with his shirt half off and popcorn in his hair. 

Now, what do you do in the Canary Islands for fun? Well, you refuel and grab some lunch. Chase some canaries. Top it off with ice cream. Actual ice cream from the kitchen is a nice touch here, but optional. Then you climb back aboard the plane for the second leg of your journey.

Off to India you go, on the greatest airline the world has ever known.

This babysitting stunt has solid precedent, by the way.

L. Frank Baum wrote about flying couches in his “Oz” series, as my friend Marty points out. 

Despite video games and too many screens, human imagination will always have a place in our lives.

Remember as kids, on those long rainy days, how you’d pull all the cushions off the couch and build forts? Or you’d take bed sheets and blankets and tent them into villages?

At night, someone would turn off all the lamps and get out a flashlight. You’d tell ghost stories. If Mom was in a good mood, she’d let you put on your PJs and spend the night in this fort.

Loved those carefree couches of our youth, which are mostly gone now.

Or are they?

Because we’re heading to India now, amid mild turbulence over the Arabian Sea, then some serious thunderheads over Pakistan.

“Please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts,” the pilot says.

We eventually put down at a little airport near Bhopal.

“Hold on!” you scream. “Here we go again…”

Coming soon: Off to the Pacific Northwest